Foundations for a Good Marriage: Bathsheba as The Biblical Example of an Excellent Woman in Proverbs 31

Solomon has already passed his mother’s advice on to his sons,

Do not give your strength to women, Or your ways to that which destroys kings (Proverbs 31:3).

He now poses an interesting question in that context,

An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels (Proverbs 31:10). 

As we saw when we looked at verse 3, the worldly dating scene and everything it represents is generally unhealthy. It’s not good for people. Yet Solomon tells his sons that an excellent wife is worth much more than jewels, or riches. So, we have a thought experiment. How does a man find an excellent wife if he does not date? How does a woman find a husband if she does not date? It may surprise you, but dating as we know it is a very recent fad—as recent as the 1890s. That’s only 120 years out of the approximate 6,000 years of recorded human history. In the late 1890s, when single women began to date around publicly, they were seen in the same light as prostitutes. Women started letting men take them out, buy them dinner, and give them stuff in return for a pleasurable evening—which even sounds strangely similar to prostitution. Dating was a scandalous business, and only loose sorts of women really dated. During the same timeframe, the divorce rate started to rise among Americans partially because people started marrying for reasons of “love” and romance. Of course, love, there is used loosely as a feeling—really more of an infatuation than actual sacrificial love. Before the advent of dating, people got married for different reasons and had different expectations in the marriage relationship. After the advent of dating, marriages became a glorified extension of the dating relationship. Marriage became shallower. People became more preference-driven in their marriage relationships. Dating quite literally became glorified practice for divorce. In Western society today, we feel the effects. Apparently, Solomon knew what he was writing about 2,700 years ago—way before our 120-year-old failed dating experiment in the West. Dating, using other people for what we can gain from them, takes us down the path of destruction and ensures that we set ourselves up for failure in life.

Solomon’s question is just as relevant for us now as it was for his sons 2,700 years ago. If giving your strength to women is this destructive, who can find an excellent wife? Solomon uses this question to share what his mother taught him about marriage. He begins to share about how wise and godly marriage is different from anything the world can give us. While worldly relationships will steal our strength, an excellent wife is worth far more than all the riches one can possibly gain on this earth. A rightly motivated marriage is a good and profitable thing.

The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life (Proverbs 31:11-12). 

We juxtapose marriage with the dating scene. When people are dating, most of their relationships are based on attraction or “chemistry” rather than trust. Marriage that grows from attraction is destined for hardship. Bathsheba knew this all too well. David killed her husband and forced her into marriage after raping her and getting her pregnant. Yet, though David was despicable for doing what he did, she is exalted as an excellent woman by her son, Solomon. The way we “date” literally conditions our minds to grow disenchanted with our spouses later on in life. All of a sudden, someone has “changed” and we are attracted to other people instead. This is why so many people cheat on their spouses. Solomon doesn’t begin with attraction. Instead, he begins with loyalty and trust. All along, Bathsheba was a loyal person. Scripture reveals here that her character was such that she was faithful to Uriah even when the king demanded her company. Somehow, she was also faithful and loyal to David in spite of his atrocities. She understood something we mostly miss today. Faithfulness, loyalty, is the foundation of a successful marriage. Trust is the bondservant of loyalty. Never do they stray.

Somehow, when trust is the foundation of a relationship, that relationship is profitable. It gives strength rather than taking it. If a man has a wife he can trust, he will have no lack of gain in his life. So, trust is better than attraction. Trust is not built upon a relationship based on attraction. It is built first with true friendship. Because the wife is first a true friend, she works for the good of her husband rather than to harm him or emasculate him in any way. While dating relationships fade with our fickle infatuation, marriages based in friendship last forever because true friendship never dies.

While romance and butterflies and the release of endorphins make us feel good, they are not good things to base a relationship on. Do not give your strength to women. It is, however, of great value to marry based on mutual friendship, trust, and loyalty. An excellent wife, who can find?