Proverbs 31 is not a note Solomon wrote telling women exactly what they need to do to be godly. Instead, it is a note from Solomon to His sons about what to look for in a woman. So far, everything we have read elevates women and is countercultural even in our own day. When worldly men typically look for women, they look for someone who gives them the respect they think they deserve. They are looking for women who depend on them, whom they have to provide for. For whatever reason, it makes them feel like a man when they are the respected providers of the household. Our society in part even tells men that they are the providers; it is a masculinity complex we hold on to. While I think men are the spiritual leaders of their homes by nature of manhood, the world often takes godly concepts and perverts them. Women were created in the beginning as a help-mate (Genesis 1-2). They were not created for the purpose of either overmasculating or emasculating men. As Paul later wrote in 1 Corinthians—neither man nor woman is independent of the other. Solomon goes to great lengths here to advise his sons to avoid women who steal their strength. Instead, they should look for a wife who is independent, strong, generous, and servant-minded—which is exactly the opposite of what the world teaches. The Bible grants equality in worth, equal opportunity, and equal personhood to men and women. In fact, it even reveals that men are better off marrying a more independent woman than they are charming one of those needy, club types.
Consider what Solomon writes next:
She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength And makes her arms strong. She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night (Proverbs 31:16-18).
Remember, Solomon is translating advice his mother gave him to his sons. I think he is using her, Bathsheba, as the example in Proverbs 31. These are things she did. He is advising his sons to find a wife with a character like that. Solomon would know, he certainly married enough women to discover the hard way what worked and what did not.
The excellent woman is independent. She is business-minded. She strengthens herself working, serving others. She wins a profit from her investments. She has enough profit to burn her lamp all night—meaning she can afford oil for the lamp from her own earnings. The Bible assigns equal status even in society to women—the right to work, own property, and keep assets. What’s more, Solomon advises his sons to look for a woman who has her identity apart from any relationship with a man. It is more profitable for a man to seek a wife who is her own person because they both will not want for anything in life. Good work ethic is both for men and women. Welfare is generally a bad idea as we experience it today. Those men who feel they need to be “respected” or depended on and praised for providing are actually limiting themselves greatly in life according to Solomon. They are setting themselves up to have their strength stolen by women instead of living a profitable life with a wife who is a suitable helper rather than needing some affirmation from a fawning subject or fangirl in an unsustainable relationship.
Ultimately, the Bible’s way of doing relationships is better for both men and women. We get wrapped up in ourselves. We need the affirmations of others such that we are crippled because we constantly look for someone to affirm us. Our entire society, it seems, is built on affirmation—from social media to the need people feel to come out of the closet and be affirmed by the world. We try to write affirmation into our laws and force it in the workplace and at schools. The reality is that the more we seek explicit affirmation, the less we can do with any real meaning. Affirmation is not a good motivator. It keeps us docile and steals our strength.
I’m not saying that we should not pay compliments or graciously accept them when given. We should. But, those are not our motivations for doing what we do. So, we take Solomon’s advice. We don’t want to attach ourselves too closely to people who are dependent. Instead, we want to draw people close who work hard and earn their own prosperity. We also want to work hard and earn our own prosperity. Whether a spouse or government, dependency and affirmation are leashes that keep us bound. Work ethic and servanthood are the blades of liberation that empower our marriages (and us as individuals) to soar. The world doesn’t tell us that.
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