I think Proverbs 31 is too often misunderstood or misappropriated to tell women exactly what they should be if they want to be godly. We know that Solomon is writing to his sons about what he advises them to look for in a potential wife. This isn’t for all women. It concerns excellent wives. Further, the instruction is not for the excellent wife—it is for the sons. Far from being an imperative for young women to emulate precisely, I think Proverbs 31 supplies men with characteristics to look for in a woman before considering marriage at all. Further, I think Solomon has his own mother in view when he describes the excellent wife. He is likely describing how Bathsheba lived and is telling his sons to look for women with her kind of character. So, I teach Proverbs 31 such that men will find an excellent wife if they find one with the character of the excellent woman in Proverbs 31. Women will do well to strive for the character represented in Proverbs 31 because it is a better way than the way of the world—which tells women to win men with their bodies, sexuality, or in general by satisfying their needs. I think Proverbs 31 opens our eyes to what a true, godly marriage looks like and how it is beneficial for the whole world. After trust and loyalty, Solomon further describes the excellent wife:
She looks for wool and flax And works with her hands in delight. She is like merchant ships; She brings her food from afar. She rises also while it is still night And gives food to her household And portions to her maidens (Proverbs 31:13-15).
Instead of being concerned primarily about how attractive she is or how many people are following her, the excellent wife concerns herself with serving others. She is not worried about how other people, especially men, are doing things for her. She is not high-maintenance. She is not a miser, here to mean that she isn’t greedy for attention or time or money or things. She is not the type of woman who steals a man’s strength or emasculates him. Instead, she is a generous servant. The excellent wife isn’t the type of woman who feels she needs to be dating. She is much more selfless and more of an independent type of woman.
So, literalistically, I don’t want to say that a godly woman, a Proverbs 31 woman, wakes up before the sun, shears the sheep and grain, and is the one responsible for going to the grocery store. Bathsheba, the example in view, probably did those things as her way of generously serving her friends and family. Women who want to be excellent wives are not being told to do exactly what Bathsheba did. Instead, Solomon’s sons are being advised to look for a woman with that kind of character.
Have you ever heard someone refer to someone else as datable but not marriage material? Solomon is advising his sons, and young men today, to not even give their time to the girl who is datable but not marriage material. Thus, we discover the motivational difference between a girl and a woman.
- A girl needs a man; a woman is independent.
- A girl is interested in receiving gifts; a woman is generous to others.
- A girl needs to constantly be affirmed; a woman desires to serve others.
- Girls are high-maintenance misers; women are generous servants.
So, for the ladies, I think the Bible advises you to be independent, generous servants. The world does not. The world calls you entitled and encourages you to be high-maintenance and greedy. The Bible literally gives you the freedom to be your own person and be elevated as people without men. The Bible is unique in this way. I understand that no one is truly or absolutely independent. I think the Bible tells women that their value does not depend on marriage. Instead, your innate value contributes to the marriage relationship.
For the gentlemen, these words are literally written to tell you what to look for in a woman. Worldly boys want little girls who put on their makeup and smile and cling to them as if they need a girl to make them feel like a man. They get jealous and clingy and their strength is stolen. A wise man, a Christian man, looks for an independent, generous woman with a servant’s heart. She is not a ball and chain but empowers us to sit at the gates. She gives us strength and makes us better men. She can comfort in times of need and help provide in times of loss. Since she is her own person, she is also not a burden. It is wise to find such an excellent type of woman—who is the same no matter how your feelings change, whom you love no matter how your feelings change. There is a place for romance and attraction, but not as a higher priority than finding the type of woman Solomon calls excellent.
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