Solomon advised his sons to look for a wife who is compassionate. Compassion equals unconditional love. A compassionate woman gives of herself and makes a relationship stronger. People can be careless in their compassion, neglecting responsibilities in order to serve those in need. Often, well-meaning and tenderhearted people give so much of themselves to others because they are so compassionate, nothing remains for themselves or those closest to them. Solomon now advises his sons to look for an excellent wife who is not only compassionate but responsible.
She is not afraid of the snow for her household, For all her household are clothed with scarlet. She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple (Proverbs 31:21-22).
Rather than only being compassionate, the excellent wife is also responsible. She doesn’t neglect the important things, like family, even for the purpose of her ministry to the poor and needy. Because our hearts are innately sinful and we are selfish, I think we sometimes feel an overwhelming need to compensate by being extremely spiritual. Often, our burdens for ministry cause us to neglect things that matter most—our personal relationships, spouses, and responsibilities at home.
Even though the excellent wife is compassionate and serves the poor, she clothes her own household. She hasn’t neglected the needs of her family. In fact, she clothes her household with scarlet. She gives the best of her service to her family rather than her ministry. I know Solomon is advising his sons concerning what type of character they should look for in an excellent wife, but these priorities are wise priorities for all people. We give the best of ourselves to our families. Family is a higher priority than ministry. Too many pastors fall because they are doing the Lord’s work. That is a perfect example of irony. Never was it God’s design for us to be addicted to or define our lives by our ministries. God doesn’t need us. Too many wives say nothing because they don’t want to compete against God for their husbands’ attention. They shouldn’t have to. God has given us the wise priorities we should have, and I think it is clear that we give our best to our families rather than our ministries. It is so important that Solomon advises his sons to find wives who live this way. Ministry is important. Serving those in need is important. Our responsibilities to those in need never supersede our responsibilities to our own households.
In her service to the needy, the excellent wife also does not neglect herself. You have probably heard it said that you have to take care of yourself before you take care of others. I think that is probably wise advice. Because the excellent wife has her priorities straight, she is dressed like royalty. She takes good care of herself and enjoys what she does. Too often, we get so busy doing things for others that we don’t do anything for ourselves. While I hesitate to say that we need to give ourselves the best of what we have, I think it is good for us to do things for ourselves—not that we live lives selfishly, but that we enjoy the fruits of our labor. I think it is high praise to God who provides all things when we enjoy His bounty. We still want to be compassionate and generous, but there is a balance and there are clear priorities given in Solomon’s wisdom.
As we consider the priorities of our own lives, then, we consider what place our household responsibilities and personal care take. It is not spiritually healthy or wise to neglect our own needs or even refuse to enjoy God’s bounty. In fact, it is spiritually dishonest, sinful, and unwise to neglect self and family for the sake of ministry.
Young men, as you look for wives, consider Solomon’s words. Look for an excellent woman who not only has compassion but also cares for herself. Look for a woman who is well-balanced in her responsibilities. She will serve you well as you serve her.
Young women, instead of giving yourselves wholly to serving others’ needs or always trying to please others at all costs, learn how to care for youselves. Not only will you become more attractive to good men (who are out there) because you aren’t so clingy or needy, you’ll also not burn out on chasing the affirmation of the world.
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